One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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