You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
