He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
