Even the bartender felt bad for me
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
