i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
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