I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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