Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
