I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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