I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.