I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
These tits shall not be calmed
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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