you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
