i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
