Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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