Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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