Tell her she can't have a vagina
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
