I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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