Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
