So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
