so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
