I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
