I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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