WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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