He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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