You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
