I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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