I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
