i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
