My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
