My friends, they love my intelligence
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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