I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
