I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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