Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
