cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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