I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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