Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
