Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
When did angry sex become our thing?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
