turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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