doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
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This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
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I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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