So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
