I feel like I'm in dance class right now
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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