My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
