hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
