If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
