My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
