I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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