My hand turned me down
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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