i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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