the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
