The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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