i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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