omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
