he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
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I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
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I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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