I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
