What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
